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Prostate and Vulnerability
I have also dealt with a lot of deeply personal betrayal and have long ago lost the sense of infantile trust that many people seem to deify. Instead of throwing myself fully into a person or group like a toddler who knows Mommy's going to catch them, I focus on learning individuals and their traits. Once I learn how an individual behaves, I know what I can trust them with. Then I work on creating parties, discussion groups or workshops where the group dynamic creates a safe container by everyone's overlapping strengths. Then, in that safe space, we can all expose and work on our own weaknesses together. Masculine and feminine, to me, are just accents that decorate behavior to facilitate communication, not a solid aspect of our being or a definitive personal quality. So putting the word "masculine" with the word "surrender" doesn't change the qualities of surrender. Whether a person is sperm producing or egg producing, butch or fem, surrender is still surrender. There are layers of social conditioning that we are all subjected to to some degree that put different demands on us. Some people are encouraged from childhood to be sensual and receptive, some are pushed to be more rigid and projective. Some people are taught to hold themselves in out of respect for those around them, others are allowed to ejaculate their will all over the world without concern. Some people are really enthusiastic about touching and being touched, some have been trained to feel that such desires are dirty and shameful and that they should keep their hands to themselves. Everyone falls somewhere between these extremes and the degree of trauma that was used to entrain us determines the degree of resistance that we put up when we try to break or change that entrainment. Some people are taught that they are lesser beings because they are sooooo interested in touching things that their genitals grew outward to facilitate touching things. They are taught to hold their genitals back when they hug people so they don't touch the other person. They are taught to contain and repress their excitement because it makes their genitals stick out and no one wants to see that. They are sent away and refused the community of their sisters and mothers. They are made to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and to hold themselves solid and erect, to resist flow, to move in straight lines and sharp angles, to wear the most bland and coarse clothing that blends them in to the background with all the others who have been grouped together and rejected by our sisters. All this creates chronic physical tension in the pelvic floor and chronic emotional tension as we are forced to hold our dirty selves back from fully engaging with others. Finding a sister that can countenance your dirtiness and will still accept you back after all this has been done to you, after you have been made dirty and lustful, after decades of denial have created genital obsession,... well, it's like the forgiveness of sin and a joyful homecoming all rolled into one. Finding a sister that is willing to touch your dirty places is like kissing a booboo that no one else was even willing to look at. Finding a sister that will actually JOIN you in your dirtiness and play with you like toddlers again not only makes you clean again, but destroys the illusion of female superiority that our sisters built around themselves and restores us to community with them. It is the finding of the Holy Grail. It is passage into the Holy of Holies. It is a return to the Garden of Eden where the boundaries that separated us are dissolved. That's how it feels emotionally. Physically, it feels like cracking open a walnut that is hiding the sun. It feels like opening up a constricted waterway and unleashing the tide. When built to orgasm, the orgasms are less volcanic and more like floating in the surf and being washed out to sea. Even after ejaculation, the waves just keep crashing over me. Mentally, there is fear of shitting the bed and the social fallout that may arise from that. There is the fear that the one doing the work is just doing me a favor and has no real interest in me or in sexuality at all and is looking down on me in some way. There is the fear that I won't be able to find myself again, that I will loose all sensation, completely loose my grip on reality and cease to exist. There are the voices from my past that remind me of all that I have done wrong and how I don't deserve to come out of my shell or to have any pleasure at all. Then I find my own voice again and I tell the other voices how they are wrong. I remind myself that I am loved and I go through a list of all the ways the persons with me have demonstrated their love for me and proven that I can trust them in this. Once I stop berating myself and breathe more fully, my mind and body become more fully integrated and I start to tingle all over. First in my face then my whole head, down my arms and into my legs. It's a stinging tingle like when your leg falls asleep and it kinda hurts, and it hurts more the more I resist the sensation. Then my abdomen starts to undulate and it pushes the tingle into rhythmic waves of pleasure that course up and down and through my whole body. I loose control of my eye muscles and they roll around and bug out and I start to quiver as my frontal lobe fights to keep itself in conscious control. Then I return to a state of near infancy where the world is bright and shiney again. Where sensations are not defined or associated with any meaning. The sounds coming in from outside are not cars and trucks and lawnmowers, they're just waves of sound crashing into me. I can maintain this state of awareness for a few minutes and I want it to last forever, but then thoughts of social obligations return and I begin to close back down. To analyze and calculate, to remember the past and to link events in a chain of time. Then I usually cry, a lot. TLDR; It feels like a snake that has been eating it's own tail gets straightened back out for a little bit, just enough to remind the snake of how nice things CAN be, but then the snake is still required to put it's tail back into it's mouth again or civilization will fall apart. Civilization falling apart is kinda my goal so I fully support not eating our own tails. I think it would be a better society if we ate each other's tails instead. ;)